I have to say, that even though I perversely enjoyed talking about myself for four hours ( I probably could have gone on all day), afterwards it left me feeling very deflated, and it is a feeling that has continued this morning. Looking back over what we talked about made me feel reeeeeaaaaalllllly depressed, so much so that when Alex came home full of the joys of 'I'm getting my visa tomorrow' (he is going to China soon for work) that even he noticed it, and he isn't exactly a world champion at reading body language.
I talked to him about what I had been doing yesturday and he was surprisingly up beat. He pointed out (in a rather budist kind of way) that we might not have any money, but we have a better quality of life than most people. We have a great marriage, if it can go through this then it's got to count for something, and we have an amazing family. Not only our children, but our extended family. So that cheered me somewhat. Money isn't the be all and end all of everything, but unfortunately when you live in an afluent area, in the society that we live in today, it is hard, really hard, not to get swept up in it all. People spend money round here without even thinking about it. Only this morning while dropping off my daughter at school I was informed that not only am I supposed to have bought her a pair of rugby/football boots for ONE TERM, that I now need to get a pair of shin pads for half a term. Thats six weeks! 'Oh well let's go to 'Sport Soccer' they sell them for £4' they all say. I just stood there thinking, that's another thing I've got to pay out for that they didn't tell you about. When is it going to end? How many more sports are they going to do for half a term that I need to buy 'essential' kit for? Is my child going to be laughed at because she's the only one in her class who has to borrow school boots?
So now I'm depressed again. I'm supposed to be going out on Thursday evening with the mums from school on one of our very rare nights out, but I don't know whether I can afford it. I was going to buy a new pair of shoes, but maybe I won't now.
On the up side, my glasses don't hurt my nose quite so much anymore. Whilst reading the kids a bed time story the other night Oscar kneed me in the eye (don't ask) and bent them back in the opposite way to which he bent them in the first place. Now they are just very loose and slide down my nose constantly. But they don't hurt, So that can only be good!
Essentially it is very depressing not having any money. It is after all, what makes the world go round. On a normal day I don't conciously notice or verbalise any of my money saving ideas, or any of the things that I/we go without. We just get on with our lives, we have fun, we spend time together, we don't notice that we don't have any money. But sitting down for four hours and being questioned about what you do/don't have or want is very depressing. I cannot imagine how many times I said 'we can't afford it' yesturday, but it must have been a whole heap.
Anyway, we'll be ok. We aren't starving, we don't live on the streets, and we aren't ill, so we are ok, and one day, we will have some money and Alex is going to take me to Japan.
2 comments:
Hi Nicola,
I was very Sorry to read that you weren't feeling too happy after our visit, I assure you that we dont always have that effect on people (at least i hope not!)but i agree that the topic is a fairly depressing one.
You mentioned that it probably doesn't help to live in such an affluent area in your last blog. When you talk to your firends do you find that they have similar worries or thoughts; or are their worries very different to yours?
Fell free to blog about anythying that's on your mind no matter how big or small, its been great so far.
Thanks again,
I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable about what I said. Please don't feel that it is your fault at all, because by no means is that true. I am I suppose being about as honest as I can get. That's the sort of person I am. I bare my soul to the world!
As for my other freinds, we don't really discuss our financial situations with each other that openly. I do get the feeling though that some quite obviously have money and then there are the few who don't. I have a couple of friends, one of whom is a single parent who I know are in the same boat as me, and actually last week I had a bit of a discussion with her about what it's like to live in an area where it is presumed that you have money.
But, the overall concensus of opinion is that we don't really think about it. Not having money is a statement of fact. It's a part of life. It's not like it's a bad thing we did, and we feel guilty about, it just is. Do you understand that?
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